I'm tired of fake.
I didn't realize where it came from, that I hated it, that it was even there.
But when she asks the hard questions, I resist. "Do we HAVE to talk about it, Meghan? I don't see any reason to discuss it. How does talking about it change anything?"
It doesn't. But not knowing what's behind a walled-in heart keeps me from changing what I CAN.
Sitting cross-legged on my bed, she fights all the stored-up pretty lies as she speaks truth, so rarely uttered. "I know I sound like a brat...such a brat. But I just don't like it...you know?" She's timid, afraid to say that maybe, just maybe, her annoyances are founded.
And seeing honesty...it's beautiful:
She stands in front of the group, framed by the backlight of the small stage, recounting the worst summer of her life. She looks tired, no doubt running on little sleep and frayed nerves, but gestures wildly as she recounts, "I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see. It was literally like there was this wall of black and I couldn't see...There were nights where it'd be 4 am and I didn't think I would make it."
But she's here.
She is a testimony, a living representation of a woman who has lived through murdered hopes, dreams, and even close friends. She is a woman who refused to let tragedy steal her voice, who refused to shrink away from exposing what everyone else tries to hide.
The light reflects in his eyes as he queries her unintented grimace. She squirms uncomfortably, and I with her, nagging him "Stop...why do you ask so many questions?"
He levels his gaze at me as she turns away from us and scurries back to her desk.
"She shouldn't make assumptions. She doesn't know the truth".
He's not sorry. And I pause and realize that he shouldn't be sorry.
What happened to real, honest, transparent?
I thought I owned it, I coined the phrase. I mean, I don't lie. Never.
But here I am, faking a smile, a laugh. Answering "Good. How are you?" when I'm the farthest from it. Avoiding questions that I don't want to answer, or making up half-truths that satisfy the questions.
Why?
It's only then I realize I have a layer of cellophane over me. Where the edges bleed from past wounds--the plastic is thicker there. And the rest has just a thick enough coating so that it's shinier than it should be.
Where did this even COME from? I struggle to lift it up, but realize it's all stuck together, and I'm tangled. Tangled in the lies and the smiles and the make-up and the unasked questions.
That's when I remember the times that I WAS transparent...when the layers was thinner...non-existent in some places. Those were the times when I told the truth and was ignored. Or worse, mocked. Mistreated. Abandoned.
And the realization hits me, where the plastic came from. I put it there. Because it covered up the broken pieces of me.The pieces that I thought were ugly, that no one wanted to see.The pieces of me that were unrealistic, or jaded. The pieces of me that cried when I was hurt. The pieces of me that loved with such fiery intensity. The pieces of me that showed a dreamer, a hopeless romantic. The pieces that were real. The pieces that were ME.
Nobody wanted those anymore.
Right?
But I realized I did. I DID.
Because whether or not he hated me for it, whether or not she mocked me for it, whether or not he broke the deepest spots of my heart ignoring me for it, I wanted those pieces back. I wanted that dreamer, that ridiculous romantic. That sentimentalist cornball. I wanted that girl who would do a happy dance in public when she felt like it, because she saw a pretty tree (yes, a tree). I wanted the girl who wasn't afraid to tell the truth...who wouldn't lie just to save her own skin. The girl who would go up on stage and admit the fact that although she was called to be a counselor, sometimes she felt as if she NEEDED one (I said that. In front of dozens of people. Me). The girl who wrote the most diary-like letters to her BEST FRIEND because she wasn't afraid that he'd give up on her (he then did). The girl who would stick her head out of the Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera to feel the wind in her hair, even though the people in the next lane probably thought she was nuts.The girl who let the tears fall at the desk in the back row of Algebra II.
The girl who was TRULY honest. TRULY real. Who TRULY DIDN'T CARE what people thought.
That girl was me.
And I want her back.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Faith
Faith.
Being sure of what we hope for, and believing even when we do not see (Heb. 11:1)
Faith is the reason that great miracles come to pass, the substance of which great people are made, and the catalyst of incredible events and works of the Lord.
Without it, our lives become vain attempts at trying to please Him, and without the works that accompany it, it is dead (Heb. 11:6 and James 2:20).
God is revealing to me now just how imperative having faith is...and it is during a season in my life in which He has revealed to me AMAZING promises of things that are to come. He has told me to wait and trust Him for these events to happen, even while the circumstances around me seem to show my natural mind that these things will never come to pass.
However, He continues to pursue my heart, telling me that these things are most definitely on His agenda, and speaking to me through His word of the reasons for which I should hold on. He has also sent me a couple really awesome people to encourage me in my faith right when I really need it :) He is so good.
I have learned that the hardest part of carrying out our destinies and aspiring to our callings is simply the act of faith: believing that when God tells us He will do something, He WILL DO IT. Our God is One who watches over His word to perform it! (Is. 55:11)
A verse that I just found today that I already love is Heb. 11:11: "It is by FAITH that Abraham was made able to become a father, because he trusted God to do what He had promised."
God cannot use us if we do not have the faith, but if we DO, He is able to do above and beyond all we can ask or think (Eph. 2:10). It is because we BELIEVE that He is able to DO the things that He had promised. I strongly believe that when we doubt God, we greatly limit His ability to do His will in our lives. By doubting Him, we are telling Him that not only is He not capable of doing what He said He would, but that we are not capable of receiving the gifts He has for us in a way that would bring all the glory back to Him. As our goal in life is to bring praise back to Him, He blesses us to show us His faithfulness and teach us to trust Him. A faithful God is One who is worthy of all our praise! He not only works everything out for our good and gives us plans to prosper us and not to harm us, but He ALSO gives us a future and a hope! (Rom. 8:28 and Jer. 29:11) HE IS SO WORTHY!
I want this type of faith! To KNOW these things, and to TRUST God BECAUSE I know these things! To acquire these traits requires a lifetime of determination, and the practice of certain duties. First of all, it's important to know the Bible. This is because faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God (Rom. 10:17). Thank God that He has given me my limited knowledge of His word, even though I have not been faithful to read it as often as I should! :/
Also, in addition to reading the Bible, it is very important to live a life of prayer and fasting: "I tell you the truth, if your faith is as big as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there', and it will move. All things will be possible for you. That kind of spirit comes out only if you use prayer and fasting" (Mat. 17:20-21)
This is something we should all strive for in our everyday lives! As His Word is our DAILY bread, we should continually seek His heart and His will for our lives on a daily basis. This is especially pertinent during times of trial, as it is during these times that the enemy tries so desperately to make us give up. However, there is a reason for these trials: as a close friend once told me, if we ask God for trust, He will give us situations in which we have to trust Him. This is SO true, and is backed up by numerous scriptures: "God's power protects you through your faith until salvation is shown to you at the end of time. This makes you very happy, even though now for a short time different kinds of troubles may make you sad. These troubles come to prove that your faith is pure." (1 Pet. 5-7)
Also, my VERY FAVORITE SCRIPTURE IN THE WHOLE BIBLE:
"See what this sorrow—the sorrow God wanted you to have—has done to you:
It has made you very serious.
It made you want to restore yourselves.
It made you angry and afraid.
It made you want to see me.
It made you care.
It made you want to do the right thing.
I tell you: in every way you have regained your innocence." (2nd Cor. 7:11)
God always has a plan for every hardship He puts us through, and even in the face of heartbreak and evil, He wants to give us a FUTURE and a HOPE! THIS IS SO AWESOME!
So, the point of this blog is not only to encourage anyone else who reads it, but also to document this day in a statement of faith. The Lord has revealed to me His amazing plans for the next three years of my life, which sound almost too good (and too infeasible) to be true.
But I declare to you in faith on August 12, 2009: The Lord will bring to pass the things that He has told me He would. His promises are Yes and Amen. His Word does not return void! Those who trust Him will never be put to shame!
THANK YOU JESUS!!!
Being sure of what we hope for, and believing even when we do not see (Heb. 11:1)
Faith is the reason that great miracles come to pass, the substance of which great people are made, and the catalyst of incredible events and works of the Lord.
Without it, our lives become vain attempts at trying to please Him, and without the works that accompany it, it is dead (Heb. 11:6 and James 2:20).
God is revealing to me now just how imperative having faith is...and it is during a season in my life in which He has revealed to me AMAZING promises of things that are to come. He has told me to wait and trust Him for these events to happen, even while the circumstances around me seem to show my natural mind that these things will never come to pass.
However, He continues to pursue my heart, telling me that these things are most definitely on His agenda, and speaking to me through His word of the reasons for which I should hold on. He has also sent me a couple really awesome people to encourage me in my faith right when I really need it :) He is so good.
I have learned that the hardest part of carrying out our destinies and aspiring to our callings is simply the act of faith: believing that when God tells us He will do something, He WILL DO IT. Our God is One who watches over His word to perform it! (Is. 55:11)
A verse that I just found today that I already love is Heb. 11:11: "It is by FAITH that Abraham was made able to become a father, because he trusted God to do what He had promised."
God cannot use us if we do not have the faith, but if we DO, He is able to do above and beyond all we can ask or think (Eph. 2:10). It is because we BELIEVE that He is able to DO the things that He had promised. I strongly believe that when we doubt God, we greatly limit His ability to do His will in our lives. By doubting Him, we are telling Him that not only is He not capable of doing what He said He would, but that we are not capable of receiving the gifts He has for us in a way that would bring all the glory back to Him. As our goal in life is to bring praise back to Him, He blesses us to show us His faithfulness and teach us to trust Him. A faithful God is One who is worthy of all our praise! He not only works everything out for our good and gives us plans to prosper us and not to harm us, but He ALSO gives us a future and a hope! (Rom. 8:28 and Jer. 29:11) HE IS SO WORTHY!
I want this type of faith! To KNOW these things, and to TRUST God BECAUSE I know these things! To acquire these traits requires a lifetime of determination, and the practice of certain duties. First of all, it's important to know the Bible. This is because faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God (Rom. 10:17). Thank God that He has given me my limited knowledge of His word, even though I have not been faithful to read it as often as I should! :/
Also, in addition to reading the Bible, it is very important to live a life of prayer and fasting: "I tell you the truth, if your faith is as big as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there', and it will move. All things will be possible for you. That kind of spirit comes out only if you use prayer and fasting" (Mat. 17:20-21)
This is something we should all strive for in our everyday lives! As His Word is our DAILY bread, we should continually seek His heart and His will for our lives on a daily basis. This is especially pertinent during times of trial, as it is during these times that the enemy tries so desperately to make us give up. However, there is a reason for these trials: as a close friend once told me, if we ask God for trust, He will give us situations in which we have to trust Him. This is SO true, and is backed up by numerous scriptures: "God's power protects you through your faith until salvation is shown to you at the end of time. This makes you very happy, even though now for a short time different kinds of troubles may make you sad. These troubles come to prove that your faith is pure." (1 Pet. 5-7)
Also, my VERY FAVORITE SCRIPTURE IN THE WHOLE BIBLE:
"See what this sorrow—the sorrow God wanted you to have—has done to you:
It has made you very serious.
It made you want to restore yourselves.
It made you angry and afraid.
It made you want to see me.
It made you care.
It made you want to do the right thing.
I tell you: in every way you have regained your innocence." (2nd Cor. 7:11)
God always has a plan for every hardship He puts us through, and even in the face of heartbreak and evil, He wants to give us a FUTURE and a HOPE! THIS IS SO AWESOME!
So, the point of this blog is not only to encourage anyone else who reads it, but also to document this day in a statement of faith. The Lord has revealed to me His amazing plans for the next three years of my life, which sound almost too good (and too infeasible) to be true.
But I declare to you in faith on August 12, 2009: The Lord will bring to pass the things that He has told me He would. His promises are Yes and Amen. His Word does not return void! Those who trust Him will never be put to shame!
THANK YOU JESUS!!!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Life to Me
I don't know how to start this post off...
I feel so odd. And I feel odd that I feel odd; because I barely knew him.. I had only talked to him once? twice?
But I think I know why.
He was 20. 21? I don't know. Young...Too young.
I didn't know him well at all, I talked to him once in February. I knew he was friends with a good friend of mine who shared the same name as him.
I knew that he attended Revolution school at my church.
I knew he had saved up to buy a lime green motorcycle that was his life; he took sooo much pride in it.
I knew he had gotten countless tickets and had even been put in jail once because he drove like a lunatic.
Nobody knew that this boyish habit of reckless driving would take his life yesterday.
And I never knew how much I would think about this man...stare at his picture and ask myself if he was really gone; sit in the car in silence, thinking of how many people will be so very sad...wondering if my friend had found out yet. Praying, asking God to somehow...someway...bring beauty from this horrific pain. How? Why?
Just two months after our church suffered the loss of a whole family. The Coleman's.. their murder on the television for all to see. How sick, to show off this tragedy.
And now...this.
I was in a family meeting this morning. My dad was talking about how some guy in Africa was recently raised from the dead, and spoke about how we should start seeing that soon in America...that we should start being the hands and feet of Christ and raise these people from the DEAD.
And quietly, I bowed my head, and simply broke down crying, sitting silently at the kitchen table, tears streaming down my cheeks.
My mom finally noticed I was crying, and asked me why.
I sobbed..."He was 20!"
But there was a deeper reason...I felt so helpless.
He was gone.
But don't we speak of miracles?
And if we do, why don't we try them?
Did anyone try to raise Branden from the dead?
Do I look absolutely insane for the mere NOTION of bringing this up?
Are people going to think I'm crazy when they read this blog?
He had warnings...I realize. But...people speak that we are in the end times, we should start to see miracles; manifestations of the Lord's majestic power.
...I'm starting to cry again...
Why is he dead? When God came to raise the dead? When we're so close to the Second Coming...when this will bring so much pain and heartache; when God could have used him to bring more to His kingdom? WHY?
I'm bawling at this point.....we are so blind! Do you know how much flack someone would get if they tried to raise someone from the dead? If they kept a body at their house, praying that this person would rise? If they continued to pray...maybe even for days?
Lawyers, doctors, morticians, police, family...it would cause an UPROAR.
So why do I feel as if something should have been done???????
Someone should have stood up.
Said "we're not going to lose this boy".
Prayed and fasted in the hospital room, telling the nurses that this boy wasn't going home yet.
Was it his time?
Did God want him home?
How could God take him now?
I'm shaking as I type this. I couldn't stop this. But I want to stop it from happening again. To someone else.
Because I realized that Branden could have been MY brother. Or he could have been MY son. Or he could have been MY Brandon.
AND THAT IT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO DIFFERENCE.
Cause the truth is that it could have just as easily been someone equally as close to me. And that just as many people are broken-hearted because of Branden's death as they would be for my sister, Elana.
I want to intercede. I want to SEE PEOPLE COME ALIVE AFTER THEY STOP BREATHING.
I want to see the blind see.
I want to see the lame walk.
I want to see the deaf hear.
I'm tired of sitting around, while Branden Orndorff dies at the age of 20 years old.
I don't know what I should be doing...I feel like a crusader without a mission. All I know is that this isn't right. And that I should be doing something to stop it.
But Lord...since this was his time to go...
Bring comfort to his family. Peace that passes the understanding of these awful circumstances. Joy in the midst of so much sorrow. Hold Julia, Leanna, their little brother, their parents, in Your arms. Wipe their tears. Mend their hearts.
Somehow God. I don't know why this happened.
But please help us to rise up and show the devil that this spirit of death has no more reign over Destiny Church.
That it has no more reign on St. Louis.
That it has no more reign in America.
And soon, it will have no more reign on earth.
Because our beautiful Jesus will come back, and heaven will be on earth.
That those who loved Branden will see him again.
That a day will come when You will wipe every tear from our eyes ♥
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where earth and wind, and sky and sea
Could never match Your majesty
From where I stand, I'm crying out
Jesus, You are life to me
And when I see Your face I'll know
All the pain and tears will go
To the bottom of the sea
You'll forever be holy, holy
When I am fallen, You are life to me
When I am broken, You are life to me
When I am empty, You are life to me.
I feel so odd. And I feel odd that I feel odd; because I barely knew him.. I had only talked to him once? twice?
But I think I know why.
He was 20. 21? I don't know. Young...Too young.
I didn't know him well at all, I talked to him once in February. I knew he was friends with a good friend of mine who shared the same name as him.
I knew that he attended Revolution school at my church.
I knew he had saved up to buy a lime green motorcycle that was his life; he took sooo much pride in it.
I knew he had gotten countless tickets and had even been put in jail once because he drove like a lunatic.
Nobody knew that this boyish habit of reckless driving would take his life yesterday.
And I never knew how much I would think about this man...stare at his picture and ask myself if he was really gone; sit in the car in silence, thinking of how many people will be so very sad...wondering if my friend had found out yet. Praying, asking God to somehow...someway...bring beauty from this horrific pain. How? Why?
Just two months after our church suffered the loss of a whole family. The Coleman's.. their murder on the television for all to see. How sick, to show off this tragedy.
And now...this.
I was in a family meeting this morning. My dad was talking about how some guy in Africa was recently raised from the dead, and spoke about how we should start seeing that soon in America...that we should start being the hands and feet of Christ and raise these people from the DEAD.
And quietly, I bowed my head, and simply broke down crying, sitting silently at the kitchen table, tears streaming down my cheeks.
My mom finally noticed I was crying, and asked me why.
I sobbed..."He was 20!"
But there was a deeper reason...I felt so helpless.
He was gone.
But don't we speak of miracles?
And if we do, why don't we try them?
Did anyone try to raise Branden from the dead?
Do I look absolutely insane for the mere NOTION of bringing this up?
Are people going to think I'm crazy when they read this blog?
He had warnings...I realize. But...people speak that we are in the end times, we should start to see miracles; manifestations of the Lord's majestic power.
...I'm starting to cry again...
Why is he dead? When God came to raise the dead? When we're so close to the Second Coming...when this will bring so much pain and heartache; when God could have used him to bring more to His kingdom? WHY?
I'm bawling at this point.....we are so blind! Do you know how much flack someone would get if they tried to raise someone from the dead? If they kept a body at their house, praying that this person would rise? If they continued to pray...maybe even for days?
Lawyers, doctors, morticians, police, family...it would cause an UPROAR.
So why do I feel as if something should have been done???????
Someone should have stood up.
Said "we're not going to lose this boy".
Prayed and fasted in the hospital room, telling the nurses that this boy wasn't going home yet.
Was it his time?
Did God want him home?
How could God take him now?
I'm shaking as I type this. I couldn't stop this. But I want to stop it from happening again. To someone else.
Because I realized that Branden could have been MY brother. Or he could have been MY son. Or he could have been MY Brandon.
AND THAT IT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO DIFFERENCE.
Cause the truth is that it could have just as easily been someone equally as close to me. And that just as many people are broken-hearted because of Branden's death as they would be for my sister, Elana.
I want to intercede. I want to SEE PEOPLE COME ALIVE AFTER THEY STOP BREATHING.
I want to see the blind see.
I want to see the lame walk.
I want to see the deaf hear.
I'm tired of sitting around, while Branden Orndorff dies at the age of 20 years old.
I don't know what I should be doing...I feel like a crusader without a mission. All I know is that this isn't right. And that I should be doing something to stop it.
But Lord...since this was his time to go...
Bring comfort to his family. Peace that passes the understanding of these awful circumstances. Joy in the midst of so much sorrow. Hold Julia, Leanna, their little brother, their parents, in Your arms. Wipe their tears. Mend their hearts.
Somehow God. I don't know why this happened.
But please help us to rise up and show the devil that this spirit of death has no more reign over Destiny Church.
That it has no more reign on St. Louis.
That it has no more reign in America.
And soon, it will have no more reign on earth.
Because our beautiful Jesus will come back, and heaven will be on earth.
That those who loved Branden will see him again.
That a day will come when You will wipe every tear from our eyes ♥
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where earth and wind, and sky and sea
Could never match Your majesty
From where I stand, I'm crying out
Jesus, You are life to me
And when I see Your face I'll know
All the pain and tears will go
To the bottom of the sea
You'll forever be holy, holy
When I am fallen, You are life to me
When I am broken, You are life to me
When I am empty, You are life to me.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
My Beloved
Ahh, I need to update this EVERY DAY! I feel like I'm letting so much pass by...God's teaching me new things DAILY...but lately, it's just been the recurring theme of being His Bride...His perfect; pure; forgiven Wife; His Beloved.
And realizing that I have to be completely, totally, satisfied with being in love with Him before He can send me the one I'm supposed to spend this life with on earth. Although I'm starting to wonder if both those events are going to happen a lot sooner than I previously intended...
either way, God is in control :) To Him be the glory. He is ALWAYS good.
My new favorite song, which basically embodies how God has been speaking to me lately:
"Beloved" by Tenth Avenue North
Love of My life
Look deep in My eyes
There you will find what you need
Give Me your life
The lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from Me
You're My Beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My love it unites us
And it binds you to Me
It's a mystery...
Love of My life
Look deep in My eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the Giver of Life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to Me
You're My Beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My love it unites us
And it binds you to Me
You've been a mistress, my wife
You're chasing lovers that won't satisfy
Won't you let Me make you My Bride?
You will drink of My lips
And you'll taste new life
♥
And realizing that I have to be completely, totally, satisfied with being in love with Him before He can send me the one I'm supposed to spend this life with on earth. Although I'm starting to wonder if both those events are going to happen a lot sooner than I previously intended...
either way, God is in control :) To Him be the glory. He is ALWAYS good.
My new favorite song, which basically embodies how God has been speaking to me lately:
"Beloved" by Tenth Avenue North
Love of My life
Look deep in My eyes
There you will find what you need
Give Me your life
The lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from Me
You're My Beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My love it unites us
And it binds you to Me
It's a mystery...
Love of My life
Look deep in My eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the Giver of Life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to Me
You're My Beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My love it unites us
And it binds you to Me
You've been a mistress, my wife
You're chasing lovers that won't satisfy
Won't you let Me make you My Bride?
You will drink of My lips
And you'll taste new life
♥
Monday, June 1, 2009
Part II: Changes
Last few days have been so busy...
and so full of God. I wanna talk about the wedding, and church yesterday, and Global Day of Prayer...that's the thing about journal entries. They intimidate me. I feel like I have sooo much to talk about, and too short of an attention span to type it all out.
I guess the major thing that God has placed on my heart is a sense of urgency. I don't have TIME to dwell on things that are not of future consequence. I was put on this earth to bring glory to God, to worship Him and be in His word...and that should be my top priority, and a lot of my activities should be centered around that.
Thus, when I figured out that the WHOLE SUMMER at Destiny was all about the book of Ephesians, I was so psyched! That's my favorite book in the whole Bible. So I'm gonna be down there every Saturday night this Summer :)
And prayer room...God's put it on my heart like, 3 months ago, that I should be spending a LOT of my mornings there. I'm REALLY hoping I can wake up early enough tomorrow that I can do that, even though it's already almost 12:30 am right now. ahhh.
But getting to dive into the word, pray hxc, and intercede on a very regular basis will do WONDERS for my heart. I'm thinking every Tuesday and Thursday morning??? Maybe more, I'll have to see what my sleeping and work schedule will allow.
Idk why I'm SOO excited about this...I guess just because I know it will help me shift my focus. I want my eyes to be trained upon Christ and His future for my life, not friend drama or guys or my family issues. If I get so crazy about Him, I'll be better able to resist temptation.
Plus, I've got a lot to pray about.
I'm seeing friends change and get closer to who they're supposed to be. And I'm seeing people drift away...and I see the ones He's calling back. My new best friend is changing in some really awesome ways, and I wanna see God change her more! Would make me OVERJOYED. I want to see my old friend stop fighting and realize that God knows that he's beautiful just the way he is, and I'm not giving up until I see evidence that that has happened. And my best friend...even right now, he's saying TERRIBLE things to me that are NOT true. ahhh. I don't know what he's gonna do without me. And He's saying that he doesn't even believe in God anymore :( Oh, Lord, bring him back to You.
and so full of God. I wanna talk about the wedding, and church yesterday, and Global Day of Prayer...that's the thing about journal entries. They intimidate me. I feel like I have sooo much to talk about, and too short of an attention span to type it all out.
I guess the major thing that God has placed on my heart is a sense of urgency. I don't have TIME to dwell on things that are not of future consequence. I was put on this earth to bring glory to God, to worship Him and be in His word...and that should be my top priority, and a lot of my activities should be centered around that.
Thus, when I figured out that the WHOLE SUMMER at Destiny was all about the book of Ephesians, I was so psyched! That's my favorite book in the whole Bible. So I'm gonna be down there every Saturday night this Summer :)
And prayer room...God's put it on my heart like, 3 months ago, that I should be spending a LOT of my mornings there. I'm REALLY hoping I can wake up early enough tomorrow that I can do that, even though it's already almost 12:30 am right now. ahhh.
But getting to dive into the word, pray hxc, and intercede on a very regular basis will do WONDERS for my heart. I'm thinking every Tuesday and Thursday morning??? Maybe more, I'll have to see what my sleeping and work schedule will allow.
Idk why I'm SOO excited about this...I guess just because I know it will help me shift my focus. I want my eyes to be trained upon Christ and His future for my life, not friend drama or guys or my family issues. If I get so crazy about Him, I'll be better able to resist temptation.
Plus, I've got a lot to pray about.
I'm seeing friends change and get closer to who they're supposed to be. And I'm seeing people drift away...and I see the ones He's calling back. My new best friend is changing in some really awesome ways, and I wanna see God change her more! Would make me OVERJOYED. I want to see my old friend stop fighting and realize that God knows that he's beautiful just the way he is, and I'm not giving up until I see evidence that that has happened. And my best friend...even right now, he's saying TERRIBLE things to me that are NOT true. ahhh. I don't know what he's gonna do without me. And He's saying that he doesn't even believe in God anymore :( Oh, Lord, bring him back to You.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Beauty From Ashes; Part I
I'm Heather Rose.
...and I really don't know how to start this off!
I've always been a pretty open person. But lately, I've closed up on myself. I don't like trusting; I've been hurt so many times. So it's odd that I want to post up some of my more personal thoughts in a public forum. This isn't like me.
But this won't be a super personal gush-fest. This isn't going to be like reading my diary, and this isn't going to be some boy-obsessed tirade or random rants about what I did with my time that day.
I have too many goals, too many dreams; too many visions and wishes and hopes and prayers to waste one more bit of it on things that are trivial or that cause me to get my focus off of the One who gives me breath.
I'm making this blog to chronicle the changes that are going to take place in me during this summer, and hopefully beyond.
The changes that will develop me from a scared, vain, learning girl (what I am now) to a God-obsessed, confident, strong woman (what I will become). Even though that will be a process that takes a lifetime, I'm already recognizing some amazing changes that God has already begun to work in me.
God has been putting me in the face of my biggest fears lately; molding me and shaping me into who He wants me to be; emptying me and filling me with Him. I've learned that while this process can be extremely fulfilling, it is also EXTREMELY painful.
But I am privileged. He is beginning to speak through me and move in me like never before. He's showing me the wonderful future He has for me, the plans that have not yet come to pass, and He's teaching me how to trust Him.
This is also the time that I'm dealing with SO much opposition from the other side. The devil has been pulling on me hardcore. But resisting the devil will make him flee, and to do that, I've been worshiping right when I feel like giving up.
I feel like a warrior :) For the first time in my life. I feel like I'm part of a battle. And it's hard as all get-out. But I love it. Cause I already know that I'm on the winning side.
So for the few of you who read this over the next few months...you are going to watch God bring beauty from these ashes :)
...and I really don't know how to start this off!
I've always been a pretty open person. But lately, I've closed up on myself. I don't like trusting; I've been hurt so many times. So it's odd that I want to post up some of my more personal thoughts in a public forum. This isn't like me.
But this won't be a super personal gush-fest. This isn't going to be like reading my diary, and this isn't going to be some boy-obsessed tirade or random rants about what I did with my time that day.
I have too many goals, too many dreams; too many visions and wishes and hopes and prayers to waste one more bit of it on things that are trivial or that cause me to get my focus off of the One who gives me breath.
I'm making this blog to chronicle the changes that are going to take place in me during this summer, and hopefully beyond.
The changes that will develop me from a scared, vain, learning girl (what I am now) to a God-obsessed, confident, strong woman (what I will become). Even though that will be a process that takes a lifetime, I'm already recognizing some amazing changes that God has already begun to work in me.
God has been putting me in the face of my biggest fears lately; molding me and shaping me into who He wants me to be; emptying me and filling me with Him. I've learned that while this process can be extremely fulfilling, it is also EXTREMELY painful.
But I am privileged. He is beginning to speak through me and move in me like never before. He's showing me the wonderful future He has for me, the plans that have not yet come to pass, and He's teaching me how to trust Him.
This is also the time that I'm dealing with SO much opposition from the other side. The devil has been pulling on me hardcore. But resisting the devil will make him flee, and to do that, I've been worshiping right when I feel like giving up.
I feel like a warrior :) For the first time in my life. I feel like I'm part of a battle. And it's hard as all get-out. But I love it. Cause I already know that I'm on the winning side.
So for the few of you who read this over the next few months...you are going to watch God bring beauty from these ashes :)
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